Category Archives: From the Archives

I “wrote” this on the subway sometime in the winter of 1996-1997, then decided three years later to include it in my MFA thesis as one of 35 short stories/miniatures. Although the thesis was generally well received, this one part … Continue reading →

…consolidated into a single, extremely long paragraph. The bravery of Akhilleus, the cunning of Akhilleus, the untapped strength of Akhilleus: throughout the Iliad , these traits of Peleus’ son are spoken of rever­ently, and often nostalgically, by the Akhaian troops. … Continue reading →

I actually submitted this as a paper for English 129 during my freshman year of college. It’s about a previously unknown circle of hell in which fratboy lacrosse players are forced to wear black turtlenecks and berets and listen to … Continue reading →

5/26/83 I’m sleepy today. I don’t know if I can write anything without my head falling smack dab in the middle of this paper. Today I brought my teddy-bear, Benjamin. He is a quite big bear, but he’s lightweight. THE … Continue reading →

January 17, 1994 Recently I’ve been receiving a lot of reader mail, much of it from concerned young lovers looking for a little advice on exactly how to attract that quelqu’un certaine. Now this is perfectly understandable because A) everybody … Continue reading →

Introducing, Riot Coke! The cola for pigmies that you’ll drink just for the ingredients: Hiper powder, water. Hiper powder was just invented by a Indonesian garbage worker. He says that it gives you more energy to work in the dump. … Continue reading →

This is the story of Plooktoo, alias “Gasser.” When Plooktoo was a young boy, he sang the blues. When he was a teenager, he sang the blues. Now he is 91 34/48 years old, and he’s still singing the blues. He … Continue reading →

We will return after these messages. The Electronic Spanker Refrain Oh yes, folks, you can call it Spanky,You can call it Spank,But to this little gadget, you will say“THANKS!” With the electronic spanker,     You can spank your kids,If they did … Continue reading →

I’m not going to write very much today because I hate writing books. I was lucky today because I went to the nurse because of a boo-boo. I was happy when I left because I knew that I missed a … Continue reading →